Atlantic Roleplay Community Boards

[Ceinwyn ab'Arawn]

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So often in the past years I have heard so many opinions on this taboo subject. I was hoping to address some of the issues regarding it.

For my purposes, then, "cybering" means the act of engaging in consensual, interactive simulations of various sexual and semi-sexual acts. Those of you who take exception to even discussing sexual acts, treating this as being the equivalent of actually engaging in them... well, I think maybe you should just click over to another page right now.

Cybering is done by perhaps 85-90% of the community, though almost noone will ever admit to it. There are those that will say the percentage is larger. It is kept behind closed doors due to the nature of it. With so many people involved in this, you would think there wouldn't be a problem. You will find that this is not the case, however.

Is Cyber for "Losers"?

No. It is for anyone and everyone that wishes to engage in the act.

Does that always make it right?

No. I would say it largely depends on whether or not the people involved are married or in relationships, or if they are single.

If both people are single or dating each other, it shouldn't be a problem, at all. One has to consider that some couples maintain intimacy in this manner when separated by distance. For example, the wife whose husband has been sent to Kuwait or Iraq. They make every effort to remain close and connected to each other on an intimate level. In some cases, cyber has even been used to refresh a tired sex life.

If one or both people are involved in relationships in IRL, that is where issues begin to arise. Let's say, for instance "John" and "Jane" wish to engage in cyber activities. However, "John" is married IRL and "Jane" is in a relationship.

If "John"'s wife is in full knowledge of this and says it is OK with her, it won't be a problem. This couple is most likely very comfortable with each other to the point where they either don't care or they use it to their advantage later on behind closed doors, once the PC is off.

If "Jane"'s boyfriend is opposed to "Jane" being engaged in this manner, that is an issue they need to discuss, BEFORE, "Jane" engages in any such act. To do otherwise would create a sense of falsity and deceit, and it is almost guaranteed that the boyfriend or significant other will feel betrayed and hurt.

Is Cybersex "Cheating"?

Let's define cheating. In this sense, cheating would be defined as not being faithful to a spouse or lover.

Every couple has their own standards on what they consider "faithfulness". They know what will or won't violate each others trust. If they choose to break the bond of trust they have, then yes, it is cheating. Some couples allow their significant other to cyber with people not each other, and some do not. It is very along the lines of the "Swinger" mentality.

Some Cyber Etiquette

One thing remains relevant, what happens behind closed doors, should remain behind closed doors. Otherwise, what would have been generally no big deal becomes a huge disaster. If you see 2 people naked ingame in their own house, have some decency to walk the other way! I know I wouldn't want the mental image in my head... If you are trying to cyber in a public place, you are asking for trouble. Would you have sex in public? So why do so ingame?

It is important to remember that cybering is only the business of the 2 (or more) people actually involved in the act. It doesn't become anyone else's business unless it is used for something other than what it was meant to be- a private matter. Keep your cyber to yourself, noone wants to know or hear about it. Do not force it on others or use it to demand things. If you consent to it in the first place, then you have said yes. It is no different than IRL. Do not do something you think you might regret later. And even if you do, don't cry and moan about it, after the fact. Don't violate the trust of the person who trusted you enough to act with you in this manner.

We are all healthy adults, capable of handling this subject in a mature manner. I welcome any neutral and intelligent responses. If you are only going to point fingers, laugh, or criticize, don't even bother responding.

Before anyone responds, I would ask that you take the time to read this link, it addresses both sides, the pros and cons of cybering. It may help to put things into a different perspective. For some, it may reinforce feelings of negativity regarding this subject.

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/8079/cyber.html

I have decided to add a topic of discussion to this essay. There is something I have noticed that occurred a few times through my years of roleplaying. Occassionally, a male will roleplay a female character and partake of cyber or other intimate relations with other males. This in itself is not a flaw or problem in any way. The problem usually occurrs if the other party discovers after a while of doing this, that the female is in fact a male, in real life. Cybering is a mutual thing, and while it could be said that someone shouldn't metagame and act on out of character knowledge, such as knowing whether or not a person was a particular gender, it also can be said that a certain amount of out of character trust is sometimes required to carry on a cyber act with someone. Since cyber is a mutually consentual event, it only makes sense to allow the other person the choice of whether or not they wish to continue engaging in the intimate roleplay. True, while you have the right to secrecy about yourself in real life, the other person has the right to know the truth when you are both considering intimate roleplay. If one is honest about this from the start, better out of character friendships can be made. There are many people that don't really care and will continue to engage in intimate roleplay. However, there are also quite a few who would have a problem with it and might feel that their trust was violated, leading to damaged friendships and broken roleplay. The only way to avoid this problem is by being honest before any actual intimate roleplay occurs. A simple out of character heads up and permission to continue is very respectful and courteous. The person might wish to continue a married relationship, but wish not to engage in any cyber sexual acts. This by no means is limited to males playing female characters, but also applies to females playing males.