Ariana laid upon her bed, looking up at the ceiling of her room with a look of serious contemplation. Her outside demeanor appeared quite calm with the strength of her inner will despite the recent turn of events that had been dropped unexpectedly upon her. She quietly mulled over her current predicament as she attempted to focus on them with logic instead of emotion.
Such a task was easier said than done, unfortunately. The memories of the last six months recalled themselves vividly in her mind. He had been the hero and she had been the damsel in distress. Their courtship had been the magic of legends, each having been raised that their very relationship would have paralleled any number of fairy tales. He was everything in her mind a husband should be. He had a good lineage, status and was firm in his belief to protect her from the dangers of the world. He had been the one to whom she would have faithfully devoted her life to and defended with her last breath.
"Heaven bent to take my hand and lead me through the fire,
Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight."
Alas, answers are seldom those we wish to hear and more often than not those we must. She had placed herself in his strong hands and it had been her undoing. She wanted to hate him, but she couldn't do it. It wasn't out of emotion nor a sense of obligation that refused her that pleasure. It was what also prevented her from blaming Kelly for the fight that had shattered the emotional barrier that had always kept her held firmly to her affirmations and would have prevented her from sharing his bed. As much as she wanted to feel the anger or to blame them, in the end, it simply wasn't their fault. It was hers and now she would pay for her lack of discretion until the end of her days. In court, even those widowed whom had shared their beds with husbands are scorned as being damaged goods. Underneath the chivalry and fairy tales, the life of a noble woman was a tragic and cruel reality.
"Truth be told I've tried my best, but somewhere along the way,
I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost was so much more than I could bear."
She was early on in her pregnancy and, she was sure with the right dose of certain herbs she could terminate it. She felt her emotions rise slightly almost in excitement at the prospect of doing so, but she crushed them as if to consider the option with a clear head. It had been less than two months since her last moon and the pregnancy had already exacted a steep price on her physically. She had lost weight with the nausea and the constant source of exhaustion that plagued her was almost unbearable. The added shame that it was conceived out of the vows of marriage and the shame of that wrenched at her very soul. The prospect of carrying the child to full term filled herself with a deep dread, almost bringing a wave of nausea as she felt her stomach churn.
"Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low, I have messed up,
Better I should know.
So don't come round here and tell me I told you so... "
She took several deep breaths, exhaling slowly each time as she fought to quell the emotional upheaval that threatened her delicate stomach. The whole situation seemed surreal and as if it were a nightmare that she could not awaken from. Was there something spurning him to push her away as he had? Did he think if she and the child of his she carried were distanced from him than perhaps they would be safer? His sudden shift in attitude was not logical. Had it all been an act by him for some other purpose? It made the most logical sense in a situation where sanity of action was lacking. If it had really been an act, what was it had he had sought to achieve? Had he actually gotten what he wanted or had he simply with the prospect of the child conceived simply decided the deception was no longer worthwhile to continue? What had hoped to gain? What had he wanted from her? She couldn't figure it out.
"We all begin with good intent, love was raw and young,
We believed that we could change ourselves, the past could be undone.
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals,
The lonely light of morning, the wound that would not heal.
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear."
"I've fallen...
I have sunk so low, I have messed up,
Better I should know.
So don't come round here and tell me I told you so..."
She suddenly paused as her mind recalled the letter Cyrus had written. Perhaps he had gotten a response and his father had not consented to the marriage. If that was the case, why didn't he just tell her about it? Why did he choose to end their relationship? She wanted to run away and pretend that none of it had happened. She paused again as one eyebrow arched gracefully. What if he wanted her to do that? He knew how shamed she would be about the pregnancy and might assume she would attempt to hide it before it became noticeable. What if his father had not given his consent and Cyrus feared his father's disapproval upon his return to see his son had laid with a woman who obviously didn't measure up to his standards? What if there was another woman? What if his father had informed him that he had already arranged his marriage as was tradition in most noble families?
There were numerous possible reasons for it, but even if she knew the right answer it would do nothing to help her current situation.
"Heaven bent to take my hand, nowhere left to turn,
I'm lost to those I thought were friends, to everyone I know.
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed,
Pretend that they don't see, but it's one missed step,
You'll slip before you know it and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed. "
"Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low, I have messed up,
Better I should know.
So don't come round here and tell me I told you so... "
She frowned slightly as she felt a wave of unexplained uneasiness wash over her. She had been screwed over... in both a figurative sense and a literal one.
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